We charge double for any drink named after a candy bar. Just consider it a tax on awful people.
The everything-bagel makes a promise that it can't possibly keep.
A new girl started at work and now everything is so clean and organized. I give it two weeks til she's just as messed up as the rest of us.
Were you trying to knock over everything on the condiment bar? Because you missed that last...wait, no, you got it.
Me: You're in here every day complaining, don't you have a job to go to?
Customer: I'm on disability.
Me: For a brain injury?
We live in a world where a grown man can piss all over the toilet seat and my $9/hour job prevents me from saying anything about it to him.
Don't cry over spilled milk? I'm not crying about the milk! Do you see where I work?!
"thank you, have a nice day" is retail-speak for, "I hate you, I hope you die in a fire".
If you walk into a cafe, take out your guitar and start playing it loudly. You are a crazy person. And everyone dislikes you.
"You know, at Starbucks they have a different kind of caramel." -- You know what else Starbucks should have? You.
I mean, at some point it makes sense for me to just give you the bottle of vanilla with a straw.
People that are actually late to work don't have the time to stop and tell me all about it.
Nothing makes me lose faith in humanity like wet napkins in the bus tub.
"Refill the honey" is just about the meanest thing you can say to a person.
When the homie comes in for coffee 3 minutes before you close and you're like nah it's cool but really you're not friends anymore.
Holy f*ck. This lady just ordered a "big cup of chino", without a hint of irony.
It's almost like you waited in that long line just to show me pictures of your kids. Oh, wait, there's video too? Yay.
No, you can't return your dirty-chai.. That's why I asked you if you knew what it was before I made it.
If you've ever said "it's for here, but I'd like it in a paper cup", then you and I will probably not ever be friends.
Quad-latte 4 minutes before I close? Go f*ck yourself, homie.