Can't find a seat at the cafe? Stand in the middle of the room and loudly announce, "there is a black prius outside and it's being towed". You're welcome.
Lady, you're drinking coffee through a straw. I hardly think you're in the position to lecture me on lifestyle choices.
To the lady who phones a friend to find out her coffee order…are you sure you want to use one of your life-lines on this?
You're giving me fancy chocolate instead of a tip? Okay, lemme just make a call and see if my weed dealer is cool with candy as currency.
If you order 3 americanos and watch me make them, then the words "oh, I wanted those iced" become inconsequential.
We have a guitar in the cafe. It helps us determine who is a sociopath and who isn't.
No, you can't return your dirty-chai.. That's why I asked you if you knew what it was before I made it.
I just asked what size you wanted, not if you were capable of repeating your order at an obscene volume.
"I didn't want this iced. And my name is John, not Susan."
Go frappe yourself.
"I'm sorry to be picky but..." -- Lemme just stop you right there. No, you are not.
"You guys make the BEST tea here!"
I just convinced a lady not to buy the last chocolate croissant because my 6-year old wanted it for his birthday. Also, I don't have kids.
Cafe Manager (noun): a person who hates his/her life enough to get a job making other people hate their lives.
Your wife tips me $5 to secretly give you decaf.
My boss watches the cameras at the cafe. But he'd save time if he just followed my twitter to see that I'm not working.
Food service... The only industry where the boss can cut your pay by raising prices.
If you rearrange the furniture, just put it back when you leave so I don't have to spend the rest of my shift putting a curse on your family
You can say "2% milk" all damn day. You're getting whole milk.
Thanks for bringing in your dishes from home and asking me to do them for you! That's super cool, and doesn't make me feel bad at all.