A guy on a first date just ordered a large steamed milk and I can't figure out a discreet way to warn her that he's probably a serial killer.
Coffee is very effective at masking the scent of marijuana.
My boss is all like, "don't you have something you could be doing?"... And I'm all like, "umm, twitter?"
"Decaf latte in the window... Decaf latte in the window... Decaf latte in the window... Free decaf latte in the window."
I knew I'd made a wrong turn in life when I felt compelled to yell back, "It's not my job to tell you the f*cking water isn't filtered!"
I was going to enter a barista competition but there were no awards for "best fake smile" or "smallest talker".
Pro-tip: if you tip your barista in weed, you'll never pay for coffee again.
To whom it may concern,
Please excuse Rob's tardiness. He was supposedly late to work because I took too long pouring his coffee.
"The sign says that the juice is fresh squeezed, and I didn't see you juicing any oranges back there after I ordered."
Sir, if you insist on eating that bagel with a knife and fork, then I'll have to ask you to leave.
I want the cafe customers to feel welcome... And just slightly afraid.
People that are actually late to work don't have the time to stop and tell me all about it.
Food service... The only industry where the boss can cut your pay by raising prices.
See that bin over there labeled, "clean spoons"? Just go ahead and toss any ol' thing in there.
Lemme know where you work and I'll be sure to stop in early tomorrow morning to tell you how to do your job too.
Say 'ristretto' again. I dare you. I double dare you, motherf*cker. Say 'ristretto' one more goddamn time.
"I'm so bad ..." It's just whipped cream, not genocide.
I just watched a 45-year old construction worker order a pumpkin spice latte, take one sip and instantly turn into a white lady in yoga pants. This stuff really is magical.
Starbucks just introduced a hazelnut macchiato... So, you can go ahead and add that to the list of things I refuse to make for you.
"Can you put this in a ceramic cup, I don't like to waste paper"