"I want that latte extra, extra hot. Much hotter than last time." -- *steams milk until it is fire*
"thank you, have a nice day" is retail-speak for, "I hate you, I hope you die in a fire".
The wifi password is "espresso." If you can't spell that, or find the correct spelling somewhere in the store, you aren't allowed online.
"What sizes do you have?" is customer-speak for, "Do you have anything that's like twice as big as my head?"
I think it's f*cked up that no one else is impressed that i'm here right now.
You didn't tip? And then the wi-fi cut out? Huh, weird.
The coffee of the day is an Ethiopian dark roast blended with broken dreams and despair.
Lady with a 4-year old asked me to turn off A$AP because of the language. So I was all, "no, it's not my fault your kid is a f*cking nerd."
Are you gonna put any of that cream cheese on the bagel, or just smear it around the edge of the plate and then put it in the bus tub?
Wait, you're gonna pay me minimum wage, AND I get 30% off the food I make for myself? Holy f*ck, where do I sign up?!
It's Saturday! Crumble your pastries on the cafe floor and don't look at the menu 'til you're at the front of the line!
If you know what puro-caff smells like, you're probably also pretty familiar with depression.
It's 2013. If you're impressed that we have free wi-fi, you're gonna absolutely love our indoor plumbing.
Holy f*ck. This lady just ordered a "big cup of chino", without a hint of irony.
It's probably just faster if I whisper the order to my girlfriend instead of telling the guy at the cash register, right?
I went to work on Halloween dressed as someone with no self respect.
Lemme know where you work and I'll be sure to stop in early tomorrow morning to tell you how to do your job too.
It's a good thing everyone else in the cafe wants to hear that youtube video you're watching, otherwise you'd look like a total sociopath.
"Could I buy a gallon of milk?"
Me: You're in here every day complaining, don't you have a job to go to?
Customer: I'm on disability.
Me: For a brain injury?