If your name is not Jill, and you did not order a large vanilla latte, then this large vanilla latte for Jill is not yours.
So, a guy grumpily walks up to the counter and says "Soy mocha." I reply, "Hi, mocha. Soy Matt. What would you like to order?"
Every time someone orders an extra-hot-no-foam latte, an angel rapes a puppy.
We're both on the same team... You want your coffee quickly, and I want you to leave as soon as possible.
"I don't want to give you my name because then you'll sign me up for a corporate mailing list. Does this tin-foil hat make me look crazy?"
Whatever drink you order will be announced loudly to a cafe full of people, probably multiple times. Choose wisely.
No ma'am, we do not serve soy eggnog. We don't serve unicorn milk either.
Don't let that 3-foot tall glass wall between you and the pastries stop you. Climb over it and try to touch as many things as possible.
The four ladies who just showed up at the cafe for bible study are in for a treat! Ready to Die or 36 Chambers?? You pick.
Sometimes you're reasonable. And other times, you're a 42 year old woman yelling at me because I'm out of whipped cream for your mocha.
The next time you order extra-hot-no-foam, I'm putting that sh*t in the microwave.
Can't find a seat at the cafe? Stand in the middle of the room and loudly announce, "there is a black prius outside and it's being towed". You're welcome.
We live in a world where a grown man can piss all over the toilet seat and my $9/hour job prevents me from saying anything about it to him.
Bus tubs. Like, f*ck em, right?
What my boss doesn't understand is that, while my attitude makes for some terrible customer service, it makes for some great internet.
A tip is a voluntary payment for service. It is not a donation. It is not charity.
You know you're a cocky barista when you get offended if people put sugar in the coffee you just made.
If my job didn't involve talking to people, I'd be hella good at my job.
I wanna collaborate with Black Street on a song about working in a cafe. It'll be called "No Dignity".
"Decaf latte in the window... Decaf latte in the window... Decaf latte in the window... Free decaf latte in the window."