Sir, we have five trashcans around the cafe. I am not one of them.
No ma'am, we do not serve soy eggnog. We don't serve unicorn milk either.
It's 8 am on MLK Day and this customer wants to talk about how our President "isn't very black"? What the f*ck is going on?
That's not a macchiato and you should kill yourself.
There is nothing in this world that I care less about than where you hang that poster.
Sorry you had to wait so long for your coffee, ma'am. But you were wearing a doily, so i figured you'd given up on life.
Someone just said I should be "ashamed" that my boss raised prices. If I had any shame I wouldn't be working this f*cking job.
My boss is gonna stumble on my twitter feed sooner or later. That's gonna be awkward.
I like to use a lot of big words when I tweet, that way if my boss ever finds my twitter account, he won't understand any of it.
The cafe is kid-friendly, meaning that we won't strangle or throw things at them. It doesn't mean you get to stop being a parent.
When the two most annoying customers in the cafe find each other, all is right in the universe.
One of my favorite ways to pass the time is convincing old ladies that their latte made with half-and-half is actually pronounced, "breev".
The sixth refill isn't free.
"This better not be instant-coffee. Did you get this out of a bag and just add water?" -- Yes. You've just described all coffee.
I'm smiling, aren't I? I think that's enough of a Halloween costume.
I knew I'd made a wrong turn in life when I felt compelled to yell back, "It's not my job to tell you the f*cking water isn't filtered!"
"Can you put this in a ceramic cup, I don't like to waste paper"
Don't even be coming into my cafe talkin bout "I'm sick". Stay your dumb ass at home, or get kicked in the tooth.
I was going to enter a barista competition but there were no awards for "best fake smile" or "smallest talker".
It's almost like all these idiots don't realize how f*cking charming I am.