"The way the birds begin to chirp just as the sun comes over the horizon is a great reminder that today is going to be filled with beauty and wonder."
"Maybe I just won’t do it today. I mean, what is a "job", really? Maybe staying here in bed is my job now."
"Where am I? Who is that? Do they have tylenol? Where’s my phone?"
"I never wake up before my alarm goes off but I feel so well rested and--OH MY GOD I’M AN HOUR LATE FOR WORK."
Listen to each of the customers in front of you, silently judging them for what they order.
Attempt to make conversation with the uncaffeinated zombies on either side of you.
Bury your nose in your phone, oblivious to the entire world around you until the customer behind you taps your shoulder.
Read the menu from top to bottom, ask the people around you for recommendations, use a lifeline to phone a friend, google it, then look confused.
Knock quietly and if there’s no answer then you wait as long as it takes for someone to come out, or for someone to get the key, or for the cafe to close.
Tell the barista that the door is locked and ask for the key. When the barista tells you that someone is in the bathroom, ask for the key again.
Jiggle the handle continuously for several minutes until the door opens.
Skip it. I don’t like to use public restrooms anyways.
Move your bag, computer and drink to make room, then cut your scone in half and offer them a piece.
Dump your bag on the empty chair, kick up your feet and sip your coffee, never breaking eye contact with the new customer
Too much pressure. Abort. "I’ll take a to-go cup, please!"
"I actually prefer the coffee shop at the other end of the mall."
"Jaden just got off a 3-year wait list for preschool, but we’re thinking about enrolling him at a co-op instead."
"So I take the vinyl record out of my bag, but he tells me he doesn’t own a record player, and at that point I just got up and left. Never talked to him again."
"Pull up to the second window, please."
"Do you mind if I unplug your laptop so that I can plug in my much nicer laptop?"
Life is full of ups and downs and you’re just happy to be along for the ride.
Always the underdog, you set expectations low so they're easy to live up to.
You know what you want and you’ll do everything it takes to get what you want and when you get what you want - and then you probably won’t want it anymore.
And now back to our regularly scheduled bitterness.
It's 5:30 in the morning. What exactly did you expect out of this interaction?
I wanna make a Sh*t-Baristas-Say-Before-7am... Just be me glaring into the camera, occasionally throwing a milk pitcher across the room.
So, apparently a large mocha pairs really well with meth? At least that's what the last guy that ordered, seemed to be saying.
Were you trying to knock over everything on the condiment bar? Because you missed that last...wait, no, you got it.
My coworker said he didn't put extra bleach in the dishwashing sink, but my newly tie-dyed shirt says otherwise.
I put that in a to-go cup because I want you to leave.
It's 6 am and you're waiting outside of a coffee shop that isn't even open yet?
Sir, you seem to have a little piece of douchebag on the side of your face...Wait, no, that's just a bluetooth.
I am 100% sure that isn't a service dog because you are carrying it in your purse.
Can't find a seat at the cafe? Stand in the middle of the room and loudly announce, "there is a black prius outside and it's being towed". You're welcome.
The croissant was too flaky? I don't even know where we go from here...
Cafe Manager (noun): a person who hates his/her life enough to get a job making other people hate their lives.
A couple years back, my boss bought a cell-phone jammer on the internet. We used to keep it under the counter. That was a fun summer.
There is no such thing as free wifi.
The transaction would have gone smoother if he'd taken off his headphones. I wouldn't have had to repeat myself and he'd still be alive.
How come everyone else on the internet gets to be mean? I'm so confused.
"9/11 was an inside job." -- ...Right. So, room for cream then?
Whatever drink you order will be announced loudly to a cafe full of people, probably multiple times. Choose wisely.
I think it was when she gave me her order over the bathroom stall I was currently occupying, that I decided she was a jerk.
The coffee of the day is an Ethiopian dark roast blended with broken dreams and despair.