"The way the birds begin to chirp just as the sun comes over the horizon is a great reminder that today is going to be filled with beauty and wonder."
"Maybe I just won’t do it today. I mean, what is a "job", really? Maybe staying here in bed is my job now."
"Where am I? Who is that? Do they have tylenol? Where’s my phone?"
"I never wake up before my alarm goes off but I feel so well rested and--OH MY GOD I’M AN HOUR LATE FOR WORK."
Listen to each of the customers in front of you, silently judging them for what they order.
Attempt to make conversation with the uncaffeinated zombies on either side of you.
Bury your nose in your phone, oblivious to the entire world around you until the customer behind you taps your shoulder.
Read the menu from top to bottom, ask the people around you for recommendations, use a lifeline to phone a friend, google it, then look confused.
Knock quietly and if there’s no answer then you wait as long as it takes for someone to come out, or for someone to get the key, or for the cafe to close.
Tell the barista that the door is locked and ask for the key. When the barista tells you that someone is in the bathroom, ask for the key again.
Jiggle the handle continuously for several minutes until the door opens.
Skip it. I don’t like to use public restrooms anyways.
Move your bag, computer and drink to make room, then cut your scone in half and offer them a piece.
Dump your bag on the empty chair, kick up your feet and sip your coffee, never breaking eye contact with the new customer
Too much pressure. Abort. "I’ll take a to-go cup, please!"
"I actually prefer the coffee shop at the other end of the mall."
"Jaden just got off a 3-year wait list for preschool, but we’re thinking about enrolling him at a co-op instead."
"So I take the vinyl record out of my bag, but he tells me he doesn’t own a record player, and at that point I just got up and left. Never talked to him again."
"Pull up to the second window, please."
"Do you mind if I unplug your laptop so that I can plug in my much nicer laptop?"
Life is full of ups and downs and you’re just happy to be along for the ride.
Always the underdog, you set expectations low so they're easy to live up to.
You know what you want and you’ll do everything it takes to get what you want and when you get what you want - and then you probably won’t want it anymore.
And now back to our regularly scheduled bitterness.
My rent is gonna be a few days late but I found this sweet pamphlet in the tip jar about how to find Jesus, so like, whatevz.
Tips. As in, money. Not career advice.
The words "just" and "blended hazelnut soy latte with carmel sauce and whipped cream" may never be appropriately used in the same sentence.
There is no such thing as free wifi.
"Do you really expect people to buy a plastic lid for $.05?" -- Well, I expect them to buy coffee but you don't seem to be doing that so I've adjusted my expectations.
I thought about telling the customer that she had cream cheese all over her face when she left... But she'll figure it out
Every time someone orders an extra-hot-no-foam latte, an angel rapes a puppy.
I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Me: You're in here every day complaining, don't you have a job to go to?
Customer: I'm on disability.
Me: For a brain injury?
I'm so glad you knitted that sweater for your dog. Now there are two of us who resent being here right now.
"You guys make the BEST tea here!"
There is no creature on earth more dangerous than a confused, middle-aged white lady.
I mean, at some point it makes sense for me to just give you the bottle of vanilla with a straw.
I wanna collaborate with Black Street on a song about working in a cafe. It'll be called "No Dignity".
To the guy sitting alone in the cafe, laughing at his phone and looking around...you can cut that out, no one wants to know what's so funny.
"You're out of stir-sticks and I don't want to use a spoon..."
Here's my phone number… that way you can actually be talking to me when you're on your phone while ordering.
And then he reaches in his coat pocket and pulls out a small container of heavy whipping cream. "Use this", he says.
Customer asked me to stop texting while making his coffee... "I'm not texting, i'm tweeting... About you."
I am 100% sure that isn't a service dog because you are carrying it in your purse.