"The way the birds begin to chirp just as the sun comes over the horizon is a great reminder that today is going to be filled with beauty and wonder."
"Maybe I just won’t do it today. I mean, what is a "job", really? Maybe staying here in bed is my job now."
"Where am I? Who is that? Do they have tylenol? Where’s my phone?"
"I never wake up before my alarm goes off but I feel so well rested and--OH MY GOD I’M AN HOUR LATE FOR WORK."
Listen to each of the customers in front of you, silently judging them for what they order.
Attempt to make conversation with the uncaffeinated zombies on either side of you.
Bury your nose in your phone, oblivious to the entire world around you until the customer behind you taps your shoulder.
Read the menu from top to bottom, ask the people around you for recommendations, use a lifeline to phone a friend, google it, then look confused.
Knock quietly and if there’s no answer then you wait as long as it takes for someone to come out, or for someone to get the key, or for the cafe to close.
Tell the barista that the door is locked and ask for the key. When the barista tells you that someone is in the bathroom, ask for the key again.
Jiggle the handle continuously for several minutes until the door opens.
Skip it. I don’t like to use public restrooms anyways.
Move your bag, computer and drink to make room, then cut your scone in half and offer them a piece.
Dump your bag on the empty chair, kick up your feet and sip your coffee, never breaking eye contact with the new customer
Too much pressure. Abort. "I’ll take a to-go cup, please!"
"I actually prefer the coffee shop at the other end of the mall."
"Jaden just got off a 3-year wait list for preschool, but we’re thinking about enrolling him at a co-op instead."
"So I take the vinyl record out of my bag, but he tells me he doesn’t own a record player, and at that point I just got up and left. Never talked to him again."
"Pull up to the second window, please."
"Do you mind if I unplug your laptop so that I can plug in my much nicer laptop?"
Life is full of ups and downs and you’re just happy to be along for the ride.
Always the underdog, you set expectations low so they're easy to live up to.
You know what you want and you’ll do everything it takes to get what you want and when you get what you want - and then you probably won’t want it anymore.
And now back to our regularly scheduled bitterness.
Macchiatto and Cypress Hill. Because I'm a f*cking gangster and stuff.
Don't say "keep the change". For any amount, really.
I'm not gonna stop you from shamelessly hitting on my female coworkers. You're only making tomorrow morning more awkward for yourself.
Every time someone orders an extra-hot-no-foam latte, an angel rapes a puppy.
This guy gets refills and extra cream cheese for free, just so I don't have to hear him complain about the prices again.
Optimistic baristas are not to be trusted; good coffee requires just the right amount of broken dreams and loneliness.
"What sizes do you have?" is customer-speak for, "Do you have anything that's like twice as big as my head?"
How about you give me some money first, and then we'll worry about your goddamned punch card.
My coworker said he didn't put extra bleach in the dishwashing sink, but my newly tie-dyed shirt says otherwise.
You can say "2% milk" all damn day. You're getting whole milk.
It's totally fine if you're short a couple dollars. These prices are really just suggestions.
My boss watches the cameras at the cafe. But he'd save time if he just followed my twitter to see that I'm not working.
A lady just bought a bagel for her dog. When I handed it to her, she frowned and asked where the cream cheese was.
"I'm sorry to be picky but..." -- Lemme just stop you right there. No, you are not.
Coffee is very effective at masking the scent of marijuana.
"I've literally been waiting 20 minutes for my drink." -- No, you haven't. And you apparently don't understand how time or language works.
If you rearrange the furniture, just put it back when you leave so I don't have to spend the rest of my shift putting a curse on your family
I've thought long and hard about it, and I've realized that the problem is that I'm awake right now.
My boss is all like, "don't you have something you could be doing?"... And I'm all like, "umm, twitter?"
"Lemme get a tall americano in a grande cup with no room." -- Is this a riddle or one of those mental zen exercises? Either way, notsomuch.