"The way the birds begin to chirp just as the sun comes over the horizon is a great reminder that today is going to be filled with beauty and wonder."
"Maybe I just won’t do it today. I mean, what is a "job", really? Maybe staying here in bed is my job now."
"Where am I? Who is that? Do they have tylenol? Where’s my phone?"
"I never wake up before my alarm goes off but I feel so well rested and--OH MY GOD I’M AN HOUR LATE FOR WORK."
Listen to each of the customers in front of you, silently judging them for what they order.
Attempt to make conversation with the uncaffeinated zombies on either side of you.
Bury your nose in your phone, oblivious to the entire world around you until the customer behind you taps your shoulder.
Read the menu from top to bottom, ask the people around you for recommendations, use a lifeline to phone a friend, google it, then look confused.
Knock quietly and if there’s no answer then you wait as long as it takes for someone to come out, or for someone to get the key, or for the cafe to close.
Tell the barista that the door is locked and ask for the key. When the barista tells you that someone is in the bathroom, ask for the key again.
Jiggle the handle continuously for several minutes until the door opens.
Skip it. I don’t like to use public restrooms anyways.
Move your bag, computer and drink to make room, then cut your scone in half and offer them a piece.
Dump your bag on the empty chair, kick up your feet and sip your coffee, never breaking eye contact with the new customer
Too much pressure. Abort. "I’ll take a to-go cup, please!"
"I actually prefer the coffee shop at the other end of the mall."
"Jaden just got off a 3-year wait list for preschool, but we’re thinking about enrolling him at a co-op instead."
"So I take the vinyl record out of my bag, but he tells me he doesn’t own a record player, and at that point I just got up and left. Never talked to him again."
"Pull up to the second window, please."
"Do you mind if I unplug your laptop so that I can plug in my much nicer laptop?"
Life is full of ups and downs and you’re just happy to be along for the ride.
Always the underdog, you set expectations low so they're easy to live up to.
You know what you want and you’ll do everything it takes to get what you want and when you get what you want - and then you probably won’t want it anymore.
And now back to our regularly scheduled bitterness.
"I don't want to give you my name because then you'll sign me up for a corporate mailing list. Does this tin-foil hat make me look crazy?"
When I ask "for here or to go?" I'm only curious what kind of cup you want... Not what your plans for the day are.
To whom it may concern,
Please excuse Rob's tardiness. He was supposedly late to work because I took too long pouring his coffee.
extra shot: 50 cents
flavor: 35 cents
spiting your sense of entitlement: priceless
Dirty chai is the menthol cigarette of coffee.
WHY ARE THERE SHOE PRINTS ON THE TOILET SEAT?!
If you use a french accent to order a croissant, I'm going to insist that you finish out the rest of the order that way.
Someone just said I should be "ashamed" that my boss raised prices. If I had any shame I wouldn't be working this f*cking job.
If you're wearing neon plastic sunglasses in the pouring rain, and you're not blind, I hope you walk into traffic.
You're right. I'm sick and I should stay home. Here's my boss's phone number. I'll let you tell him.
I'd never insult your kid's intelligence, but you brought a whole bag of cheerios, and that little idiot was only able to get two in his mouth.
Lady with a 4-year old asked me to turn off A$AP because of the language. So I was all, "no, it's not my fault your kid is a f*cking nerd."
I love my coworkers. We support each other and there isn't anything– WHO THE F*CK LEFT CRUMBS IN THE DISH WATER? WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?
Cafe Manager (noun): a person who hates his/her life enough to get a job making other people hate their lives.
I get excited when people phone in their coffee orders, because I can hang up on them.
I've collected some data, and one thing is certain: You don't become rich enough to afford a mercedes by tipping your barista
It's 9 am and we just ran out of vanilla, so I'm preparing for a full day of white-lady-rage.
My boss bought a case of coffee filters that are a little too big, so the next few months of my life are pretty much ruined.
Extra hot, no foam? And paying in change? You're off the team, buddy.
I think it's weird when I hand someone a drink and they say "cheers".