"The way the birds begin to chirp just as the sun comes over the horizon is a great reminder that today is going to be filled with beauty and wonder."
"Maybe I just won’t do it today. I mean, what is a "job", really? Maybe staying here in bed is my job now."
"Where am I? Who is that? Do they have tylenol? Where’s my phone?"
"I never wake up before my alarm goes off but I feel so well rested and--OH MY GOD I’M AN HOUR LATE FOR WORK."
Listen to each of the customers in front of you, silently judging them for what they order.
Attempt to make conversation with the uncaffeinated zombies on either side of you.
Bury your nose in your phone, oblivious to the entire world around you until the customer behind you taps your shoulder.
Read the menu from top to bottom, ask the people around you for recommendations, use a lifeline to phone a friend, google it, then look confused.
Knock quietly and if there’s no answer then you wait as long as it takes for someone to come out, or for someone to get the key, or for the cafe to close.
Tell the barista that the door is locked and ask for the key. When the barista tells you that someone is in the bathroom, ask for the key again.
Jiggle the handle continuously for several minutes until the door opens.
Skip it. I don’t like to use public restrooms anyways.
Move your bag, computer and drink to make room, then cut your scone in half and offer them a piece.
Dump your bag on the empty chair, kick up your feet and sip your coffee, never breaking eye contact with the new customer
Too much pressure. Abort. "I’ll take a to-go cup, please!"
"I actually prefer the coffee shop at the other end of the mall."
"Jaden just got off a 3-year wait list for preschool, but we’re thinking about enrolling him at a co-op instead."
"So I take the vinyl record out of my bag, but he tells me he doesn’t own a record player, and at that point I just got up and left. Never talked to him again."
"Pull up to the second window, please."
"Do you mind if I unplug your laptop so that I can plug in my much nicer laptop?"
Life is full of ups and downs and you’re just happy to be along for the ride.
Always the underdog, you set expectations low so they're easy to live up to.
You know what you want and you’ll do everything it takes to get what you want and when you get what you want - and then you probably won’t want it anymore.
And now back to our regularly scheduled bitterness.
"One of these days you'll remember my drink..." -- Pop quiz: what's my name?
I'm not gonna count the number of ice cubes in your drink, so it would appear we've arrived at a stalemate.
I really hope this coffee career takes off so I can finally stop making music.
To the lady who phones a friend to find out her coffee order…are you sure you want to use one of your life-lines on this?
When I ask "for here or to go?" I'm only curious what kind of cup you want... Not what your plans for the day are.
I've collected some data, and one thing is certain: You don't become rich enough to afford a mercedes by tipping your barista
How about you give me some money first, and then we'll worry about your goddamned punch card.
What do I recommend? Coffee. I recommend coffee.
"I didn't want this iced. And my name is John, not Susan."
Wait, you're gonna pay me minimum wage, AND I get 30% off the food I make for myself? Holy f*ck, where do I sign up?!
I think it's weird when I hand someone a drink and they say "cheers".
Can't find a seat at the cafe? Stand in the middle of the room and loudly announce, "there is a black prius outside and it's being towed". You're welcome.
I'm sorry, I must have heard you incorrectly. Did you just say you wanted 20 ounces of hot egg nog?
How come everyone else on the internet gets to be mean? I'm so confused.
The words "just" and "blended hazelnut soy latte with carmel sauce and whipped cream" may never be appropriately used in the same sentence.
Sir, if you insist on eating that bagel with a knife and fork, then I'll have to ask you to leave.
A customer just referred to me as "the friendly one".... Which, if you know me, is kinda weird.
"I don't feel like you're really listening to my complaint" -- I thought I was making that pretty clear.
This guy just got mad because we don't have a yellow-pages. We also don't have an abacus or a sun-dial.
A couple years back, my boss bought a cell-phone jammer on the internet. We used to keep it under the counter. That was a fun summer.