"The way the birds begin to chirp just as the sun comes over the horizon is a great reminder that today is going to be filled with beauty and wonder."
"Maybe I just won’t do it today. I mean, what is a "job", really? Maybe staying here in bed is my job now."
"Where am I? Who is that? Do they have tylenol? Where’s my phone?"
"I never wake up before my alarm goes off but I feel so well rested and--OH MY GOD I’M AN HOUR LATE FOR WORK."
Listen to each of the customers in front of you, silently judging them for what they order.
Attempt to make conversation with the uncaffeinated zombies on either side of you.
Bury your nose in your phone, oblivious to the entire world around you until the customer behind you taps your shoulder.
Read the menu from top to bottom, ask the people around you for recommendations, use a lifeline to phone a friend, google it, then look confused.
Knock quietly and if there’s no answer then you wait as long as it takes for someone to come out, or for someone to get the key, or for the cafe to close.
Tell the barista that the door is locked and ask for the key. When the barista tells you that someone is in the bathroom, ask for the key again.
Jiggle the handle continuously for several minutes until the door opens.
Skip it. I don’t like to use public restrooms anyways.
Move your bag, computer and drink to make room, then cut your scone in half and offer them a piece.
Dump your bag on the empty chair, kick up your feet and sip your coffee, never breaking eye contact with the new customer
Too much pressure. Abort. "I’ll take a to-go cup, please!"
"I actually prefer the coffee shop at the other end of the mall."
"Jaden just got off a 3-year wait list for preschool, but we’re thinking about enrolling him at a co-op instead."
"So I take the vinyl record out of my bag, but he tells me he doesn’t own a record player, and at that point I just got up and left. Never talked to him again."
"Pull up to the second window, please."
"Do you mind if I unplug your laptop so that I can plug in my much nicer laptop?"
Life is full of ups and downs and you’re just happy to be along for the ride.
Always the underdog, you set expectations low so they're easy to live up to.
You know what you want and you’ll do everything it takes to get what you want and when you get what you want - and then you probably won’t want it anymore.
And now back to our regularly scheduled bitterness.
Start over. And this time remember that your morning coffee routine should not involve a blender.
It's called a scone. A sconce, on the other hand, is a wall-mounted light fixture.
If you know what puro-caff smells like, you're probably also pretty familiar with depression.
Your wife tips me $5 to secretly give you decaf.
I'm so glad you knitted that sweater for your dog. Now there are two of us who resent being here right now.
"Are you guys hiring? My son is looking for a job..." -- Then maybe your son should grow a pair and start applying for his own jobs.
Unless you showed up to the cafe in a horse-drawn carriage or a time machine, you can't pay for your coffee with a check.
I just convinced a lady not to buy the last chocolate croissant because my 6-year old wanted it for his birthday. Also, I don't have kids.
Sorry, lady. You're gonna have to speak up, because I'm not turning Stevie down just so I can take your goddamn latte order.
My boss is gonna stumble on my twitter feed sooner or later. That's gonna be awkward.
This is an espresso machine, not a cash register. Get back in line.
We charge double for any drink named after a candy bar. Just consider it a tax on awful people.
I don't know who did the art. I don't know how you can buy the art. And i mean really, is "art" even the right word to be using?
I mean, at some point it makes sense for me to just give you the bottle of vanilla with a straw.
Me: Hi, how are you?
Her: Oh my god. Do you even sell blended drinks?!
You need 3 airpots of coffee for a meeting? You need it immediately? Or you'll be late? Lucky for you, I'm a wizard!
Don't say "keep the change". For any amount, really.
Sir, we have five trashcans around the cafe. I am not one of them.
When the homie comes in for coffee 3 minutes before you close and you're like nah it's cool but really you're not friends anymore.
"Don't spend it all in one place" is one of those classic jokes that never gets old. It still makes me want to cry every time.