"The way the birds begin to chirp just as the sun comes over the horizon is a great reminder that today is going to be filled with beauty and wonder."
"Maybe I just won’t do it today. I mean, what is a "job", really? Maybe staying here in bed is my job now."
"Where am I? Who is that? Do they have tylenol? Where’s my phone?"
"I never wake up before my alarm goes off but I feel so well rested and--OH MY GOD I’M AN HOUR LATE FOR WORK."
Listen to each of the customers in front of you, silently judging them for what they order.
Attempt to make conversation with the uncaffeinated zombies on either side of you.
Bury your nose in your phone, oblivious to the entire world around you until the customer behind you taps your shoulder.
Read the menu from top to bottom, ask the people around you for recommendations, use a lifeline to phone a friend, google it, then look confused.
Knock quietly and if there’s no answer then you wait as long as it takes for someone to come out, or for someone to get the key, or for the cafe to close.
Tell the barista that the door is locked and ask for the key. When the barista tells you that someone is in the bathroom, ask for the key again.
Jiggle the handle continuously for several minutes until the door opens.
Skip it. I don’t like to use public restrooms anyways.
Move your bag, computer and drink to make room, then cut your scone in half and offer them a piece.
Dump your bag on the empty chair, kick up your feet and sip your coffee, never breaking eye contact with the new customer
Too much pressure. Abort. "I’ll take a to-go cup, please!"
"I actually prefer the coffee shop at the other end of the mall."
"Jaden just got off a 3-year wait list for preschool, but we’re thinking about enrolling him at a co-op instead."
"So I take the vinyl record out of my bag, but he tells me he doesn’t own a record player, and at that point I just got up and left. Never talked to him again."
"Pull up to the second window, please."
"Do you mind if I unplug your laptop so that I can plug in my much nicer laptop?"
Life is full of ups and downs and you’re just happy to be along for the ride.
Always the underdog, you set expectations low so they're easy to live up to.
You know what you want and you’ll do everything it takes to get what you want and when you get what you want - and then you probably won’t want it anymore.
And now back to our regularly scheduled bitterness.
Holy f*ck. This lady just ordered a "big cup of chino", without a hint of irony.
I called my boss, "Mr. Manager", but he didn't get it and that's when I knew this was never gonna work.
I just asked what size you wanted, not if you were capable of repeating your order at an obscene volume.
If I owned a bazooka, I would have used it this morning to turn off my alarm clock.
Bus tubs. Like, f*ck em, right?
If you remind me four times that you've ordered decaf, guess what you won't be getting....
There is no such thing as free wifi.
"I don't want to give you my name because then you'll sign me up for a corporate mailing list. Does this tin-foil hat make me look crazy?"
The pizza-bagel's identity crisis is too much for me to handle this early in the morning.
I wanna collaborate with Black Street on a song about working in a cafe. It'll be called "No Dignity".
We are friendly, but we are not friends. Friends don't stop talking to each other just because today's scone was a little stale.
"I don't feel like you're really listening to my complaint" -- I thought I was making that pretty clear.
And then he reaches in his coat pocket and pulls out a small container of heavy whipping cream. "Use this", he says.
"This better not be instant-coffee. Did you get this out of a bag and just add water?" -- Yes. You've just described all coffee.
The everything-bagel makes a promise that it can't possibly keep.
I had always hoped to have a job where people treat me like a vending machine.
If you rearrange the furniture, just put it back when you leave so I don't have to spend the rest of my shift putting a curse on your family
Go frappe yourself.
When the homie comes in for coffee 3 minutes before you close and you're like nah it's cool but really you're not friends anymore.
You're gonna yelp about it? I'll tell you what... You write on your website, I'll write on mine, and we'll call it even.