"The way the birds begin to chirp just as the sun comes over the horizon is a great reminder that today is going to be filled with beauty and wonder."
"Maybe I just won’t do it today. I mean, what is a "job", really? Maybe staying here in bed is my job now."
"Where am I? Who is that? Do they have tylenol? Where’s my phone?"
"I never wake up before my alarm goes off but I feel so well rested and--OH MY GOD I’M AN HOUR LATE FOR WORK."
Listen to each of the customers in front of you, silently judging them for what they order.
Attempt to make conversation with the uncaffeinated zombies on either side of you.
Bury your nose in your phone, oblivious to the entire world around you until the customer behind you taps your shoulder.
Read the menu from top to bottom, ask the people around you for recommendations, use a lifeline to phone a friend, google it, then look confused.
Knock quietly and if there’s no answer then you wait as long as it takes for someone to come out, or for someone to get the key, or for the cafe to close.
Tell the barista that the door is locked and ask for the key. When the barista tells you that someone is in the bathroom, ask for the key again.
Jiggle the handle continuously for several minutes until the door opens.
Skip it. I don’t like to use public restrooms anyways.
Move your bag, computer and drink to make room, then cut your scone in half and offer them a piece.
Dump your bag on the empty chair, kick up your feet and sip your coffee, never breaking eye contact with the new customer
Too much pressure. Abort. "I’ll take a to-go cup, please!"
"I actually prefer the coffee shop at the other end of the mall."
"Jaden just got off a 3-year wait list for preschool, but we’re thinking about enrolling him at a co-op instead."
"So I take the vinyl record out of my bag, but he tells me he doesn’t own a record player, and at that point I just got up and left. Never talked to him again."
"Pull up to the second window, please."
"Do you mind if I unplug your laptop so that I can plug in my much nicer laptop?"
Life is full of ups and downs and you’re just happy to be along for the ride.
Always the underdog, you set expectations low so they're easy to live up to.
You know what you want and you’ll do everything it takes to get what you want and when you get what you want - and then you probably won’t want it anymore.
And now back to our regularly scheduled bitterness.
"You'd have to wake up pretty early in the morning to sell me a cookie for $2.50" -- I was up at 3 am. That'll be $2.50.
A woman ordered a blended cappuccino today. I gave her exactly what she ordered.
Cafe Manager (noun): a person who hates his/her life enough to get a job making other people hate their lives.
I had to teach a lady how to use a toaster today. So, there's that.
Don't cry over spilled milk? I'm not crying about the milk! Do you see where I work?!
extra shot: 50 cents
flavor: 35 cents
spiting your sense of entitlement: priceless
I wanna make a Sh*t-Baristas-Say-Before-7am... Just be me glaring into the camera, occasionally throwing a milk pitcher across the room.
The croissant was too flaky? I don't even know where we go from here...
A new girl started at work and now everything is so clean and organized. I give it two weeks til she's just as messed up as the rest of us.
Every time someone orders an extra-hot-no-foam latte, an angel rapes a puppy.
"This latte is beautiful, how did you get so good at this?" - Give up on life, become desperate for rent money, then wait five years.
You're gonna yelp about it? I'll tell you what... You write on your website, I'll write on mine, and we'll call it even.
"are you sure this is 1%? It tastes like 2%" was the last thing she said before I started throwing stuff at her face.
I think it was when she gave me her order over the bathroom stall I was currently occupying, that I decided she was a jerk.
If you use a french accent to order a croissant, I'm going to insist that you finish out the rest of the order that way.
"The coffee shop that used to be here had chocolate whip cream" -- Oh yeah? How'd that work out for them?
I really hope this coffee career takes off so I can finally stop making music.
"I've literally been waiting 20 minutes for my drink." -- No, you haven't. And you apparently don't understand how time or language works.
"I'm so bad ..." It's just whipped cream, not genocide.
I think it's weird when I hand someone a drink and they say "cheers".