"The way the birds begin to chirp just as the sun comes over the horizon is a great reminder that today is going to be filled with beauty and wonder."
"Maybe I just won’t do it today. I mean, what is a "job", really? Maybe staying here in bed is my job now."
"Where am I? Who is that? Do they have tylenol? Where’s my phone?"
"I never wake up before my alarm goes off but I feel so well rested and--OH MY GOD I’M AN HOUR LATE FOR WORK."
Listen to each of the customers in front of you, silently judging them for what they order.
Attempt to make conversation with the uncaffeinated zombies on either side of you.
Bury your nose in your phone, oblivious to the entire world around you until the customer behind you taps your shoulder.
Read the menu from top to bottom, ask the people around you for recommendations, use a lifeline to phone a friend, google it, then look confused.
Knock quietly and if there’s no answer then you wait as long as it takes for someone to come out, or for someone to get the key, or for the cafe to close.
Tell the barista that the door is locked and ask for the key. When the barista tells you that someone is in the bathroom, ask for the key again.
Jiggle the handle continuously for several minutes until the door opens.
Skip it. I don’t like to use public restrooms anyways.
Move your bag, computer and drink to make room, then cut your scone in half and offer them a piece.
Dump your bag on the empty chair, kick up your feet and sip your coffee, never breaking eye contact with the new customer
Too much pressure. Abort. "I’ll take a to-go cup, please!"
"I actually prefer the coffee shop at the other end of the mall."
"Jaden just got off a 3-year wait list for preschool, but we’re thinking about enrolling him at a co-op instead."
"So I take the vinyl record out of my bag, but he tells me he doesn’t own a record player, and at that point I just got up and left. Never talked to him again."
"Pull up to the second window, please."
"Do you mind if I unplug your laptop so that I can plug in my much nicer laptop?"
Life is full of ups and downs and you’re just happy to be along for the ride.
Always the underdog, you set expectations low so they're easy to live up to.
You know what you want and you’ll do everything it takes to get what you want and when you get what you want - and then you probably won’t want it anymore.
And now back to our regularly scheduled bitterness.
"If you break this dollar I'll be able to give you a tip"
When we say "ristretto", we're referring to a type of espresso shot. When they say it, it's just to warn you that they'll be complaining later.
Ma'am, the face you made when I told you we don't have frappuccinos, looks like a sad walrus.
A couple years back, my boss bought a cell-phone jammer on the internet. We used to keep it under the counter. That was a fun summer.
If you rearrange the furniture, just put it back when you leave so I don't have to spend the rest of my shift putting a curse on your family
"I'm so bad ..." It's just whipped cream, not genocide.
I care too much about you to put that in the microwave.
Here's the deal... I won't expect you to know the italian names for drinks, if you won't expect me to know the candy bar names for drinks.
My sense of humor is tip-based.
I've collected some data. If you keep your sunglasses on inside, you're at least 80% douchebag.
Pro-tip: if you tip your barista in weed, you'll never pay for coffee again.
The coffee of the day is an Ethiopian dark roast blended with broken dreams and despair.
I asked him what size he wanted, and he replied that he wasn't in the mood to answer questions. There's no joke here, that just happened.
Go frappe yourself.
"I'm on a mission to civilize" - Will McAvoy.
This lady used to come in every day and order a large mint mocha breve with 12 sugars. Then one day, she just stopped. No one was surprised.
Spoiler alert: I don't care
"I'd like to speak with whoever is in charge here." -- so would I.
Yeah, that kilt is super hip.
My boss watches the cameras at the cafe. But he'd save time if he just followed my twitter to see that I'm not working.