"The way the birds begin to chirp just as the sun comes over the horizon is a great reminder that today is going to be filled with beauty and wonder."
"Maybe I just won’t do it today. I mean, what is a "job", really? Maybe staying here in bed is my job now."
"Where am I? Who is that? Do they have tylenol? Where’s my phone?"
"I never wake up before my alarm goes off but I feel so well rested and--OH MY GOD I’M AN HOUR LATE FOR WORK."
Listen to each of the customers in front of you, silently judging them for what they order.
Attempt to make conversation with the uncaffeinated zombies on either side of you.
Bury your nose in your phone, oblivious to the entire world around you until the customer behind you taps your shoulder.
Read the menu from top to bottom, ask the people around you for recommendations, use a lifeline to phone a friend, google it, then look confused.
Knock quietly and if there’s no answer then you wait as long as it takes for someone to come out, or for someone to get the key, or for the cafe to close.
Tell the barista that the door is locked and ask for the key. When the barista tells you that someone is in the bathroom, ask for the key again.
Jiggle the handle continuously for several minutes until the door opens.
Skip it. I don’t like to use public restrooms anyways.
Move your bag, computer and drink to make room, then cut your scone in half and offer them a piece.
Dump your bag on the empty chair, kick up your feet and sip your coffee, never breaking eye contact with the new customer
Too much pressure. Abort. "I’ll take a to-go cup, please!"
"I actually prefer the coffee shop at the other end of the mall."
"Jaden just got off a 3-year wait list for preschool, but we’re thinking about enrolling him at a co-op instead."
"So I take the vinyl record out of my bag, but he tells me he doesn’t own a record player, and at that point I just got up and left. Never talked to him again."
"Pull up to the second window, please."
"Do you mind if I unplug your laptop so that I can plug in my much nicer laptop?"
Life is full of ups and downs and you’re just happy to be along for the ride.
Always the underdog, you set expectations low so they're easy to live up to.
You know what you want and you’ll do everything it takes to get what you want and when you get what you want - and then you probably won’t want it anymore.
And now back to our regularly scheduled bitterness.
If my job didn't involve talking to people, I'd be hella good at my job.
Lemme know where you work and I'll be sure to stop in early tomorrow morning to tell you how to do your job too.
Yeah, that kilt is super hip.
The cafe is kid-friendly, meaning that we won't strangle or throw things at them. It doesn't mean you get to stop being a parent.
If you've ever said "it's for here, but I'd like it in a paper cup", then you and I will probably not ever be friends.
Pro-tip: if you tip your barista in weed, you'll never pay for coffee again.
Food service... The only industry where the boss can cut your pay by raising prices.
"I don't want to give you my name because then you'll sign me up for a corporate mailing list. Does this tin-foil hat make me look crazy?"
"I don't want the broken cookie," she said. So I looked her right in the eye, smiled, and broke every cookie one by one.
"I'll have my mocha" -- it's not yours yet, and unless you're wearing a crown, that's a completely inappropriate way to order.
Yeah we're open. Feel free to push open the sliding doors and take a seat on one of the upturned chairs.
My ex-boss thinks the website is gonna stop because I don't work there anymore. Man, I didn't even work there when I worked there!
Were you trying to knock over everything on the condiment bar? Because you missed that last...wait, no, you got it.
If I wanted to make you a no foam, 175 degree, hazelnut latte, I would go work as a gas station "cappuccino" machine.
Espresso comes in pairs. Order 1, get 2. Order 3, get 4. Order 5, get the f*ck outta here.
If you're just getting drip coffee, you're more important than everyone else. Push to the front of the line and avoid eye contact.
"I need a table for 4" -- this is a coffee shop, not an applebees. Seat yourself.
My boss watches the cameras at the cafe. But he'd save time if he just followed my twitter to see that I'm not working.
I'm always like, "large skim cappuccino for Bridget!"
But Bridget is always like, "Umm, I actually wanted that cappuccino iced."
If someone asks "for here or to go?", the answer is not "for here, but in a to-go cup". Because that is a f*cking obnoxious answer.