"The way the birds begin to chirp just as the sun comes over the horizon is a great reminder that today is going to be filled with beauty and wonder."
"Maybe I just won’t do it today. I mean, what is a "job", really? Maybe staying here in bed is my job now."
"Where am I? Who is that? Do they have tylenol? Where’s my phone?"
"I never wake up before my alarm goes off but I feel so well rested and--OH MY GOD I’M AN HOUR LATE FOR WORK."
Listen to each of the customers in front of you, silently judging them for what they order.
Attempt to make conversation with the uncaffeinated zombies on either side of you.
Bury your nose in your phone, oblivious to the entire world around you until the customer behind you taps your shoulder.
Read the menu from top to bottom, ask the people around you for recommendations, use a lifeline to phone a friend, google it, then look confused.
Knock quietly and if there’s no answer then you wait as long as it takes for someone to come out, or for someone to get the key, or for the cafe to close.
Tell the barista that the door is locked and ask for the key. When the barista tells you that someone is in the bathroom, ask for the key again.
Jiggle the handle continuously for several minutes until the door opens.
Skip it. I don’t like to use public restrooms anyways.
Move your bag, computer and drink to make room, then cut your scone in half and offer them a piece.
Dump your bag on the empty chair, kick up your feet and sip your coffee, never breaking eye contact with the new customer
Too much pressure. Abort. "I’ll take a to-go cup, please!"
"I actually prefer the coffee shop at the other end of the mall."
"Jaden just got off a 3-year wait list for preschool, but we’re thinking about enrolling him at a co-op instead."
"So I take the vinyl record out of my bag, but he tells me he doesn’t own a record player, and at that point I just got up and left. Never talked to him again."
"Pull up to the second window, please."
"Do you mind if I unplug your laptop so that I can plug in my much nicer laptop?"
Life is full of ups and downs and you’re just happy to be along for the ride.
Always the underdog, you set expectations low so they're easy to live up to.
You know what you want and you’ll do everything it takes to get what you want and when you get what you want - and then you probably won’t want it anymore.
And now back to our regularly scheduled bitterness.
"Refill the honey" is just about the meanest thing you can say to a person.
"This latte is beautiful, how did you get so good at this?" - Give up on life, become desperate for rent money, then wait five years.
extra shot: 50 cents
flavor: 35 cents
spiting your sense of entitlement: priceless
It's 9 am and we just ran out of vanilla, so I'm preparing for a full day of white-lady-rage.
Your happiness and self-confidence are infuriating.
It's 5:30 in the morning. What exactly did you expect out of this interaction?
Espresso comes in pairs. Order 1, get 2. Order 3, get 4. Order 5, get the f*ck outta here.
The worst part about my boss not having the courage to fire me himself: I didn't get to yell, "No, YOU'RE fired!"
I would remember your usual drink if you were a more memorable person.
"You're out of stir-sticks and I don't want to use a spoon..."
I just convinced a lady not to buy the last chocolate croissant because my 6-year old wanted it for his birthday. Also, I don't have kids.
My phone autocorrects "café" to "cage" because it knows more than I do.
"I'm so bad ..." It's just whipped cream, not genocide.
Alright, who's the guy that keeps leaving the empty sugar packets on the counter? There can't be more than one of you...
Wait, you're gonna pay me minimum wage, AND I get 30% off the food I make for myself? Holy f*ck, where do I sign up?!
We have a guitar in the cafe. It helps us determine who is a sociopath and who isn't.
It's 2013. If you're impressed that we have free wi-fi, you're gonna absolutely love our indoor plumbing.
It's almost like you waited in that long line just to show me pictures of your kids. Oh, wait, there's video too? Yay.
"I'm sorry to be picky but..." -- Lemme just stop you right there. No, you are not.
Here's the deal... I won't expect you to know the italian names for drinks, if you won't expect me to know the candy bar names for drinks.